just waiting for the ax to fall...

Double Axe by James Stanley Daugherty

I'm good. I feel good. All is well. This is unusual.

So I keep waiting for the ax to fall. I can't help it. It's in my nature. Just as when something terribly "wrong" happens, I brace myself for the storm. Life has taught me so. I'm seldom wrong... about this.

I am an avid proponent of the self-fulfilling prophecy. There's not a doubt in my mind that we somehow carve our own paths, make our own beds... in a most underhanded manner... betraying ourselves at every step.

Paris Hilton is a dope. No doubt about that. But she lives by the rule of self-importance. It's all attitude. Act like a queen and you will be one. Yes, it helps to have millions or billions of benjamins in the account, but... she speaks the truth. We see it all around us every day — that plump little number parading her handles across the beach like a goddess. Tell me men don't want to tap that ass? Tell me women don't envy — or wish to get some, too. What do you think all the cattiness is about? Why should a little bit of excess body flow oozing out of a bikini bother us so? Envy, I tell you. Envy. It's not injustice. What do we care about injustice? We prove that every day.

I've gone astray. So... walk in the shoes of a goddess and ye shall be one. Walk in the shoes of a fart and ye shall stink.

Me, I walk in shoes that hurt my little toes.

(whatever that means...)

whip me, baby. whip me good...

"freely given" by William Russell Walker

I feel a disconnect. My mind and body are at odds. I'm OK. Emotionally, I'm OK. But my body is far away.

I can't seem to connect to it — don't want to. My body has betrayed me. Fuck the fucker. Fuck it. My body has betrayed me.

And that's that.

Don't get me wrong; I'm not holding a grudge or anything. I'm not sitting around dwelling on the baggage, tormenting myself, self-flagellating. I've simply ceased to care.

You have betrayed me. Fine. I understand things better now. I now know more.

And meanwhile, I've ceased to care.

Eventually, I suppose, I'll simply cease to care... altogether... about anything.

And then, I suppose... I'll die.


(if only it were that easy. it sounds so peacefully, really.)