House of Mirrors

I've been told that I see myself as if in a house of mirrors. What do you call those things -- the bizarre distorted mirror mazes at carnivals and fairs? Am I to believe that what I see in the mirror is not real? That's insane. But then, really, who the heck has perspective when it comes to themselves? I concede that I see myself differently from one moment to the next. Which is more real? Can a person really retain that much water? Can what I'm wearing have that strong an effect? More likely what I'm feeling, how I'm feeling, how I am. Today, I am fat. Today, I want to crawl outside of my skin. Today, I cannot stand to be trapped inside this meaty, mushy body -- this gravity-stricken, stretched out, dull ball -- this cramped up knot of grinding bones. Not today. But maybe tomorrow I'll feel sexy. Maybe only for a minute. I think I still remember what it felt like. I moved differently then.

So.. what are the problems? What are the steps? What are the solutions? Let's see where we have to start. And let's start simple.

My skin is dry. My skin is old. It doesn't fit me anymore. It hangs on my bones. But I'm still fat. That's utterly disgusting.

More water. First and foremost, more water. I can do that. I can ACTUALLY do that. Now that I've quit smoking, I can actually do that. What's the goal? Eight bottles a day. Today, I've had none. It's 2:14 p.m., and I've had none. And don't think that I jumped up to run for the kitchen just as I wrote that. Nope, I haven't moved. But, I still feel I can do it. ;-)
See, I'm optimistic.

My stomach is a disaster! I love in constant flux between constipation and diarrhea, with a ton of acid reflux in the middle. It's quite painful, actually.

More fiber. I can do that. Oats, bran, whole wheats, rye, barley, beans, peas, cabbage, carrots, cauliflower, citrus fruits, strawberries, apples. Yeah, I can do that. I eat plenty of oranges. I'll try more of the rest. What about nuts? Are nuts good? I eat plenty of nuts. But lately, they seem to hurt my stomach.

A better diet in general. I can do that too. No late night pizza. Hell, no pizza at all probably. The tomato does my no good, and the cheese just ain't much better. Oh, but it's so good.

What I can never get past is the short-vision quality of life. What's the point of all this stuff, if in the end, you can't enjoy every day because you're too busy depriving yourself. I know. It's not about that, but... I hate depriving myself. And I refuse to be one of those people that's constantly concocting little schemes to trick themselves. I don't want to have to rationalize how I am in no way depriving myself -- that in fact I would be depriving myself of a healthy, happy life if I did NOT do this. Oy! I'm just not that person!

I live in a house of mirrors, but I need to be honest with myself.

And then there's all that gravity and mushiness and parts now living in different places. This is not where my ass used to be. What's this here? Oh, my! "No, no, no, no, no," she says shaking her head and gesticulating wildly. "This is not me."

I must do exercise. It'd take a pretty powerful house of mirrors not to come to this conclusion.