Ok. So, I'm not naive. Apparently, I'm simply incompetent. Ok. I'll accept that.

But not without an argument.

I used to walk away from relationships as soon as things got tough. It was difficult maybe, but I did it without hesitation. I wasn't about to take any shit from anyone, or endure an unsatisfying relationship. No. Not I. Not even for a moment.

Then I grew up... or so I thought.

People grow up in different ways. People learn and interpret in different ways. People deduce different thing from their experiences. It's no surprise.

So... when I stopped for a minute... when I finally realized that good things are worth fighting for... I took it as a sign of maturity.

Perhaps I was wrong. Perhaps I still am.

It's not that I believe that I can pull off an eternally casual relationship with an ex. Of course not. I'm not a fucking idiot!

It's just that I know we can't build something from the rubble that's left... at least not quickly. We can't just continue in the rut we were, hoping that some miracle will pull us out. No! Things don't work that way.

But maybe all is not lost. Hell, all is never lost until you think it is. Isn't that so? Maybe we can plant our feet on the ground again. Maybe we can learn to walk. Maybe we can build something different then, knowing now what we have to gain.

Look — I always thought that separations were just a way of gaining distance in order to facilitate a more permanent break-up, a way of easing the process, so to speak. Sure.

But there are also times in which distance is necessary. In which you need to count your losses and accept that as things stand, there is no solution, but perhaps from a different angle, there might be. I don't know.

I do, however, know this.

If I lose Q completely, I will lose be broken. I will move on. I will live. Yes. It won't be the end of the world, or even mine. But I will be broken. I will have lost something irreparable. I will have lost hope. Don't get me wrong. I don't want to be overly dramatic. But... that's just the way it is.

Look — I know I can love someone else. I'm no delusional fool, believe it or not. I will love and even be loved. But... I will not find a more kindred spirit.

I simply will not.

I will not find someone I understand so well.. despite our disagreements. I will not find someone who understands my own indiosyncrasies as well... despite his resentment. (I like to call them idiosyncrasies because it makes me feel less crazy.) I will not find someone whose craziness concurs with mine.

This I know.

And it would be so sad.

And even more sad would be the constant disappointment any new love would see marked across my face.

So, I ask all of you out there judging me one simple question: Should I sit by and simply watch it slip away? Is that what you're suggesting? (Ok. That's two questions. I know.)

I make a rule of refraining from judging people and telling them what to do in a relationship. Perhaps I get this from my father, who always provoked my frustration with his refusal to opine on my life. I don't know. But I'll tell you this. I don't think that anybody has the right to do so. I don't think that we EVER have a clear picture of someone else's losses, of someone else's gains. I don't think we EVER know where the center of balance lies. No. How dare we judge right from wrong? People MUST do what they deem to be right.

I hate sappy shit. But in the end.. all we can do is follow our hearts.