Beat me, bitch!

http://www.janesmann.com/Paintings/2000/Beating_kitsch_detail.jpg

No matter how sound a relationship you have, you always end up feeling beat down.

I used to scoff when people complained about being taken for granted. Hell, isn't that what a relationship is all about — being able to take things for granted? You take it for granted that you're loved. You take it for granted that someone will be there for you when you need them, that you'll have a warm body next to you at night, that someone will be loyal to you, that someone will be kind to you. Isn't that what it's all about?

But it's about a hell of a lot more than just taking things for granted. It's about straight out, genuine, grade-a abuse. Yup. That's right. You'll think I'm wrong — twisted perhaps — and that I have no clear perspective about what a relationship should be. Well, honey, I'm not talking about what a relationship should be. I'm talking about what it is. That's right.

A short while after my sister got married she told me that no matter what... no matter how fair and glorious a relationship you have... no matter how feminist or just your husband may be... you will always end up doing twice the work... you will always end up overextended and abused. Yup. That's right. It's not the way it should be. It's just the way it is.

That's the kind of thing I'm talking about. I'm talking about truth. I'm not talking about ideals or illusions — as I so often do. I'm not dressing things up in pretty metaphors or quaint little literary illusions.

I'm talking about general, mutual, ritual abuse. Yup. In the end — as crass as this may be — a relationship is about tolerating each other, tolerating each other's abuse. It's about not having to watch yourself, check yourself. It's about not just having someone in front of whom you can fart, but about having someone you can treat with whatever kindness or grossness oozes, seeps, or bursts out of you on that particular day, at that particular moment. It's about being able to act however you want. And resenting the fact that you can't, of course.

I know it sounds horrible. I know that there's some beautiful ideal to which we cling that doesn't look like this. But that's all crap. We hold it for a day... or two. We hold it for a while. But it, too, is an illusion. No one loves without hatred. No one loves without resentment. And when you face the resentment... day after day... you're bound to express it. It's bound to seep out of your eyes.

I'm tired. I'm tired of flailing and screaming. I'm tired of feeling like a punching bag. I'm tired of being tired. I'm tired of the things I was taught would hold me up actually beating me down. I'm tired of feeling like the world, my world, should be different somehow. I'm tired of determining value by its weight in gold. I'm tired of trying to unlearn the things I've learned, while trying to retain the experience. I'm tired of expectations and shoulds and ought tos. I'm tired of resistence, and, argument, and slaps.

Beat me. Hurt me. Love me.