Is She? Or Isn’t She?

I’m a farce, a fraud, a sham. My life has been built on lies and deception. I am nothing. Nothing that I appear to be. Nothing.

I am a farce, a fraud, a sham. People believe that I’m intelligent. I speak and they believe that I’m intelligent. I want them to think that I’m intelligent. I want them to think that I’m not trying to be intelligent. I’m not trying to be intelligent. I am not intelligent. I don’t know things. I don’t even remember things that I once knew. I just don’t know things. I am not intelligent. I am just someone who does not know.

I am a fraud, a farce, a sham. I pretend not to care about things. I pretend to be strong. I will not let things touch me. I will not let things matter. Little things. Little things that should not matter. But they matter. They matter. And it tears me up. I am a fraud.

I am a fraud, a sham. I say that things matter to me. I say they matter. I say they matter because they should matter. They should matter. They are important things. Important things. They should matter. But they don’t matter. Not really. They are not important. Not really.

I am a fraud. I claim to be a good person. I say that I’m a good person. I believe that I’m a good person. But I am not. I hurt people. I hurt people. I betray people. I am not good.

I am a fraud, a farce. I say that I am bad. I say that I am bad because I do bad things. But how can they be bad? How can they be bad when my intent is good? How can they be bad when I am good? I am a good person. I am a good person because I have a good heart. And I must be a good person. I must be.

I am a fraud. I say things about freedom. About freedom. What is freedom? How do we achieve it? I say that freedom is something internal. I say that people are confused about freedom. I say so. I am confused about freedom. I say that to be free you must bare yourself naked to the world. I say that two people loving each other in raw nakedness is the most liberating way to be. I say so. And then I’m scared of losing my freedom.

I am a fraud, a farce. I say I want to share my culture. My culture. I say that it is said that people cannot understand. I complain about intolerance and indifference. But I do not want to share my culture. MY culture, It is mine.

Strength is not an easy trait. It’s difficult to maintain the cold hard stare, the impenetrability. It was quite a stretch to let all the defenses down, to step out of the armor, lay down the masks. And with it came a sigh of relief and the highest fear. I exposed myself before the world. Lay myself out bare.

When you stand naked before the world, you have nothing left to fear.